There is a time in every person’s life where the influence from others becomes unbearable. For me, that was in my 20s. When I was meeting people with a different point of view. When I was dragged to places by the ‘friends’ I had made. When I was introduced to different experiences. It was absolutely suffocating. I had a lot of regrets. Many, many regrets. Why didn’t I study this for my bachelor’s or why didn’t I tell this person no? Why couldn’t I stop being this person’s crutch? It would all be ok if I were never born. Suicidal thoughts were a common thing during those times. Because of those thoughts, many people saw me as a commodity, entertainment, a show. And I think I fooled myself into thinking that that interest in me was worth preserving. Jokes on me, right? I made a fool of myself adhering to the demands of an audience and diving deeper into the thoughts of wishing I never existed.
I came out of that frame of mind when I had a conversation with God. Was it an actual back and forth? I can’t say that I remember exactly, it was so long ago. But the only thing that stopped me from pulling the trigger was the fact that I didn’t choose to be here. Why should I go through this when I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I was blessed with life. God saw fit for me to be here. God would have to allow my death to happen. I’m not doing it because that is not my job. I know it sounds a bit odd. Haha.
You can say I’m a bit stubborn with how I think and what I believe in. I am the type of person that believes that everyone has a purpose, no matter how small. We just have to figure out what it is. And since I didn’t know what my purpose was, I didn’t pull the trigger. We see these celebrities, doctors, lawyers, family, members of society and think, “Oh, they seem so happy. I want that.” I’m not saying that they have everything together. No. It’s a part of humanity to struggle in some form, in some way. But they lived through it. They figured out their purpose to keep living and continued doing so.
I’m sure there are people in horrible places, surrounded by horrible people doing horrible things. Those who keep living while in those situations are strong people who have some fight left. Am I saying that those who actually followed through with it were weak? No. I do think that they got the rest they craved. It saddens me that death was the only way they thought they could take. I hope that those who are contemplating suicide understand that there is always a way out of the terrible situations they are in. I hope they don’t think otherwise. There is ALWAYS an out. I hope you find it and your purpose.
These were just ramblings. Things occupying my mind this evening. Praying you have sweet dreams.
Verse: Ecclesiastes 9:10-12
Song: Dreaming in Color by Judah Earl ft. Laura Brehm