I swear, I’m going to write something brighter than what I have been. But until then, healing~. This will probably be an odd post, but we’re here now.
So there was a time a few years back when I was having a hard time. I had just left a few abusive relationships and was at my lowest. And I had a knack for blaming myself for everything that had happened to me. It was awful. As you know, I have a relationship with God. Before bed, I was talking with Him. I’m going to give you a mental picture just to set the scene.
It was a pitch-black room. There weren’t any lights, but I could see clearly. There was a presence behind me and we were talking. This presence is what I believe to be God or the Holy Spirit. He was asking me why I felt this way about myself and why I was cursing my existence. Through those questions, it was all starting to add up to why I felt like a shitty person. It was a hard pill to swallow. Because if I were to accept the things I had come to realize through those questions, I knew I would have to start living differently. Change is hard to accept, and addiction is hard to break. God, still being there, “the idea” came to mind to speak to my past self. Think of it as a simulation, if you will. I’m freaking out. There is no way I can face my past self and allow that child to see what I have become. After much fighting the thought and debating on what I would say, I began to make my way to see myself as a child.
The room was still black. I came across ‘Little Me’ sitting in front of an old brown box tv with the turn knobs. Little me had to be 5 or 6 years old. There was static on the television and little me was staring at it blankly. I hesitated. God was still there, so I wasn’t alone in approaching little me. I called out to myself. Little me turned around and stared at me blankly. The look she gave me was heart-breaking. Her smile was gone; she didn’t cry, nor did she frown. She just stared. Eyes dead to the world around her. The thought came to mind, “Comfort her.” I had no idea what to say. How? I heard, “How would you comfort a child that has gone through the same thing you have?”. I approached her. I wasn’t sure what to say. The TV faded away. She stared at me, never saying a word. I held out my arms and she allowed me to pick her up. “I’m sorry I’m so late. It was scary here all by yourself, huh?” She dug her face in my neck. “You know, it’s not your fault. You were right to say something. And even though they didn’t like it, you did a good job.” I started to rub her back. “Even if no one likes you, I like you. Even if people call you names, I think you are lovely.” Her tears began to fall but I didn’t hear any remnant of her crying. “You know, you’re a good person. No matter what people say.” My voice began to crack. “It’s okay to cry. It’s ok to laugh and be angry. Why? Because you’re human too. We aren’t robots. So it is ok. And you know? Not only does God love you, but I love you too.”
I kneeled down and silently wept. I held on to Little me because she was never held like that before. I let her cry because she was never allowed to show emotions. She hardly ever received the love that she needed and was a forgotten child on more than one occasion. She was hurt by the words of her parents, siblings, ‘friends’, and teachers at such a young age, that she grew up expecting nothing from other people. Her trust was shot at age 5, so she has been hiding in the shadows for decades. Little me was abused physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually with no remorse from the abusers, even when they knew what they were doing. She’s been tormented by adult situations without proper understanding or guidance. She’s been hated and she’s been sexualized. She has not expected love from anyone other than God because He was the only one who showed her He truly loved her. She grew up alone, alienated, and shunned. It started in childhood.
Childhood shapes you into the person you will become. It is a time that molds the mind. It adds doors; it locks away the good parts of their personality. Be careful of what you say and do to a child. The effects you have on these little people can tremendously affect them, for better or for worse. And if you are an adult, religious or not, try this exercise. Don’t just talk to ‘Little You’ about the future; comfort them about the past. Anyway, be blessed in the best of ways.
Verse: Matthew 18:1-7
Song: Do You Know Where You’re Going To by Diana Ross