You know, many people struggle with porn. How can something so simple be so hard to cut off? I shouldn’t be that hard, right? What is the problem? So for some people, it’s an easy fix. They don’t like it so, they stop watching it. But, some can’t do that so easily. Me being one of them. I have struggled with porn for years.
For a lot of people, it starts when they are young. Whether through sexual abuse, harassment, what they see on TV, or in their own homes. They might have had a run-in with terrible human beings who forced it on them… And that is how they get hooked. I remember a few times in my life where I had run-ins with people who used me for their own self-satisfaction. I know I’ve talked about a recent one, but I mean as a child. There were three women who either groped me or sexually abused me. And I would notice a lot of men would eye my siblings and me when we were younger. Even being in the church all my life, its there too. I’ve had to disassociate myself from all instances. I can’t say that I was hurt by it, only confused by what they were doing? It made me uncomfortable, but I wasn’t scared. And I think this is why bad people start preying on children. It’s harder when you’re an adult. You have a grasp of the world whereas children are still learning.
I think that is where some of my interest in porn came from. Although it was uncomfortable, it had interested me. I wanted to know why they did it, who did they learn that from, why did it have to be a secret. It wasn’t until I was older that it made sense. But that was after the fact that the uncomfortable sensation turned into a lust for it. I watched a lot of porn when I was a teen, and it was hard to kick it. I was caught one by my parents and got an earful. And I stopped for a while… But I couldn’t shake my interest. Time passed and it was an on-again, off-again type thing all the way up and through my 20s. I’ve spoken with a few friends about the issue. I said it was an addiction. But most of them told me that it was normal; that everyone does it. But I had a feeling that my want for it was different than what they thought. Over time, I confided in a friend I had made randomly. She told me that it was an issue and that I should think about why I’m so attached to it.
So I thought a bit more about why and came to the realization that I was using porn as a replacement for actual affection I hadn’t received as a child. Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t doubt that my parents loved me; I just didn’t think they liked me. I was highly sensitive to the feeling in a room. I knew when something was wrong. I tended to stay quiet and hide in plain sight. I didn’t receive many things like my other siblings and was the one thrown under the bus by both parents and siblings. I learned to shut down, adapted a robot mentality, and went with the flow. Watching porn was the only thing that made me feel close to being human. I fantasized about when I married and would be able to do all of that stuff (Maybe not all… Porn is wild.) It wasn’t a good mindset to have considering that the person I would have married would only be seen as a tool to make me feel ‘alive. One of the reasons why porn is so dangerous.
Porn promotes a sense of self-glorification and satisfaction. It makes you look at the same and opposite sex as tools and not worth caring for. It also makes you think you are a tool to be used as well. The care, love, and protection that is supposed to go along with sex vanishes. Porn is kryptonite for a lot of people even though it seems harmless. Protect your mind, guys. It is fragile and what you watch can make a monster out of you. Trust me, it is hard to kill that monster.
It’s been hard when I get the urge to watch, but I feel so much better when I don’t. I don’t want you guys to think that I’m overcoming this alone. No. I stay prayed up. I have been blessed with a wonderful accountability circle. Going against yourself without help can drive you insane. I know because it happened to me on a few occasions. It won’t be easy. I’ve fallen back into porn more times than I can count. The mindsets came back, and I was depressed to the point of suicide. But I did my best to remember that I had help. From God and the friends, He’s blessed me with. From there, it gets easier to manage.
Verse: Romans 13:12–14
Song: Running Back To You by Commissioned